Yesterday we received devastating news that none of our other embryos made it. I know I said I was at peace during transfer day, but I honestly was still very hopeful. The news last night made all the emotions of this journey come to the surface. I was so angry and devastated! In the IVF world the point of injecting yourself with so many hormones is to make a lot of follicles. More follicles, more eggs, more embryos. More of a chance to have multiple tries at this. We basically have no other hope than in these embryos in my womb. (We have used most of my infertility benefits and none left for a full Ivf cycle again. I write this and feel guilty because so many couples pay for all of this out of pocket!) I think I wanted to have the other embryos frozen as a crutch. (And the fact that they could have been our future babies or another couple, as we were planning on donating them). Easier to believe and to hope and to have faith, when you have a back up plan. We have none. But all we have is our faith in Him! And that is all we need! I am going to believe Him and know that this is part of His plan. I will put aside all the doubt that keeps creeping into my heart, and truly trust Him. As hard as this journey has been, I know good will come out of this. I am going to trust we are pregnant (my mind changes every other minute!) but truly believing Him is believing in miracles. We will need a miracle, and thank God, He is in the miracle-making business!
Thanks for reading,
Ps As I re read this, I realize how hopeful I sound. I was not like this last night. There is a reason I didn't write this last night. But I know I had to through those emotions to get to where I am today. I am HOPEFUL. It might be as small as a mustard seed, but I know is enough.
"You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14