God has put in my heart to share my journey. At first, I wanted to wait until the "happy ending". But I've been waiting for the past 18 months, and if anything, this has made me realize the importance of sharing it while it's so fresh in my heart (the wounds, that is). I always questioned if we should have done something differently: Maybe we should have prayed until we heard God say "it's time", or sometimes I think we should have gone on this journey without sharing it with our friends and family how much we wanted a 2nd child. But I know that there is a purpose for the heartache we have felt these past 18 months. Just like there was and is a purpose for my twin sister going through brain cancer. I thought surely I had gone through enough heartache when she was diagnosed with Grade 3 (of 4) brain cancer. (You can read her journey here). Through that dark time in our lives, God was so faithful and is still amazingly faithful! I have seen with my own eyes His healing hands on her, even to this day. She was amazingly healed and continues to be healed 3 1/2 years after her diagnosis.
But God wanted me and B to face our own heartache, again, for a purpose. Looking back at an eventful day, on January 27th, 2012. My first appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist. I actually went by myself. Arrogantly, I thought I could do it without B. I heard the words endometriosis and all I kept thinking was, I'm pregnant. It doesn't matter if I have endo, and the chances of conceiving on our own were about 4%. Well, at least I thought I was pregnant. Just like I had thought every month before that (7 other months to be exact). And then I started spotting that afternoon. (Unfortunately, I spot 3-4 days before my cycle starts every month). I was beyond devastated! I went with my sister and a few of our very good friends to a Christian event that night. I know it was part of God's plan. I desperately needed to be surrounded by His word. We heard comedienne Anita Renfroe, Author Lysa Terkeurst and singer Natalie Grant. It was an amazing night! Natalie Grant shared her story of Ivf with us. And then how God unexpectantly, blessed them with another child after their Ivf twin girls. I remember bawling hearing her story of hope.
I had a laparoscopic surgery to remove mild endo and a huge fibroid, the size of a man's fist! in March 2012. I started Clomid in May and did 3 (failed) rounds. It was after the first failed round that B looked at me, after I had been crying (puffy eyes and all), and said he was so sad of seeing me so heartbroken. He said we had to stop doing treatment if it was going to affect me this way. It was then that I decided that I was too blessed to be so sad! I guess it became my mantra to carry me through the next few months. After the 3 failed Clomid cycles, we took a break. It was after the first month of taking that much needed break, that I felt God's peace. He told me it was okay to go through more treatment. It did not mean that I had any less faith in Him! How did He know what was inside my heart??? Only our amazing Father knows His children so well! I was so afraid of doing anything that might contradict God's natural way of conception. But His peaceful words reminded me that I needed healing. Healing tht omes from Him through medicine. We took another month off and then did our fourth (and last) Clomid cycle and did IUI (intrauterine insemination) in September.
I was in Dallas for work the week my cycle was supposed to start. I started spotting the very first day I got there. I was beyond devastated. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I was so sure God was going to bless us that month. I cried like I had not cried before. I knew at that point, IVF would be our only option. I googled God and IVF and ended up on Faithfully Infertile. I know God places stories of hope just when we need them. I needed to hear her story that night. I think being away from my family when I found out that IUI had failed was for a reason. It made me more vulnerable and it was God's consoling arms that calmed me down that night.
I share this now, mostly to chronicle my journey, because I feel my story is not a story of hope. At least not yet. It will be. God's plans are beyond anything we could possibly imagine. At the end of this journey, I realize if our wish to be parents again, is not fulfilled, He will have bigger and better plans for us. He will fill that aching hole in our hearts. This is something only Our God, Jesus Christ, can do and only Him. We continue to hold onto hope during this journey that He will bless us with a miracle (or two!). We have been waiting dearly, for these last 18 months, to hear the wonderful news. Tears well up in my eyes every time I think of that joyful day that I know is coming!
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
Thanks for reading!